just another manic monday

have you ever had one of those days that you just wanted to fast forward to the very end to get it over with? those days that you just don't want to live through?? a day where you wish disappearing for the afternoon was an option? today was that day... today was my first 'real' day in the hospital.. with responsibility for an actual patient.. i didn't want to have to go through the pain of living through it.. i just wanted it to be done..
but.. disappearing wasn't an option.. i had to just suck it up and do it.. and i did..
and it was horrible and yet not so bad..
i picked a wonderful patient, who was very kind, patient, and understanding.. this patient has a terminal illness (like a couple more weeks terminal)... she was the greatest first patient i could ever have.. there was only one tiny little problem.. her family..
let me say this first.. she has a great family.. they were very supportive.. they were nice... they really love her..
but they were always there.. they never left.. which may not be a problem for most people.. but when i'm doing an injection for the first time.. and i have 9 different pairs of eyes staring at me.. it kinda freaked me out.. this patient needed a lot of care.. and i was happy to help.. but seeing as i have never cared for any one before.. it was all new to me.. and it was all new to me with 9 different people critiquing my style..
i like to be good at things.. i like to know what i'm doing.. i like to be capable.. but there was no way.. on my first day, that i was going to be capable of anything.. and i hate that.. i'd like to believe that i was born capable.. and not only was i not capable.. but i was not capable in front of an entire family..
and really.. it's not like i messed anything up.. i made no major mistakes.. but i wasn't perfect.. and that makes me want to cry...
a couple good things did turn out today..
i did three different injections.. i tested a blood glucose level... i administered a ton of meds... i saw some gnarly wounds.. i help turn a patient with a hip fracture (very very hard to do.. and very painful for the patient..).. i hung an IV piggy back.. flushed a saline lock.. took vital signs.. saw a lot of ass.. and did a head to toe assessment..
and above all.. i fell in love with my patient.. a kind, wonderful, and touching person.. and i realized that as sad as i am that she probably will not make it till christmas.. i got to be a part of her life today.. i got to take care of her. i got to feed her breakfast, and hear about her fabulous family.. i got to hold her hand.. and that made today worth living..