guilt..

so i have guilt.. lots and lots of guilt..
today we went to buy me a new car.. i love new cars.. and i have always wanted a new car.. and today was the day... i have wanted a new car and have been bugging ben for years now.. toyota is having a great deal.. we found a new 2006 camry for 16200.. which is a great deal.. so good that people were spending the night at the dealership to get this deal.. and we found the last one.. and it was beautiful... but it was red.. and i didn't want red.. i wanted silver. so already i wasn't sure if this was the one.. but the deal was so good... so i said 'yes'.. and the thing is, it's not a bad red.. it's a beautiful red.. but in three years will it be a beautiful red??? i know that if i buy a silver car.. in three years silver will still be popular.. but red? in three years will people still be wanting this color red car? i wasn't sure.. and then i was thinking about car payments.. and how ben and i have never had one.. and how a car payment didn't sound like fun.. and then i thought about how i would be with a new car.. i wouldn't want to drive my babies in it.. for fear of them making a mess.. i'd be that crazy person parking in the very back of the parking lot.. and then there's all the miles i'd be driving going back and forth from the OC to sdsu.. i don't want to put all thoes miles on a new car.. and why should i even buy a new car.. my car is fine.. it's not too pretty.. but that's ok.. why can't i be happy with what i've got.. so then i'm kicking myself for being a selfish person and wanting a new car.. even though i have never bought a new car.. and both of my cars are over ten years old.. so there we were.. in the middle of paper work and everything.. when i changed my mind.. oh poor ben.. i changed my mind.. and he had to tell the poor guy.. 'um... ok.. here's the thing.. nevermind..'
but fine.. no new car for me.. my car will have to explode, and be damaged beyond anything that ben can fix in order for me to buy a new car.. then maybe i'll
buy one.. but even then i'll feel bad about it..
... by the way... i know i'm a little nuts.. this is going on my list of crazy for when ben drags me into a therapist..